Category Archive

So a few minutes ago I had to get up and leave class in search of something with which to blow my nose, and I decided I’d sneak in a quick potty break while I was stealing toilet paper from the student bathroom. I dashed into the stall, hurriedly shut and latched the door, unbuttoned my jeans, and assumed the “Public Bathroom Toilet Seat Avoidance Squat.” I was in a hurry, as I mentioned before, so I executed all of the above quickly and without care, so the latch I thought I latched did not actually latch, and when I bent forward with vigor, because for me, speed equals force, the door was moving toward my head and my head was moving toward the door, and they collided with, well, force. Great force. A force that sent the rest of me backward onto the unprotected toilet, and that left me positively reeling. There may have been little cartoon stars floating haphazardly over my head. It happened very quickly, so my first reaction was surprise, and then almost instantly I became hysterical. I could not stop laughing, oh, the hysterical laughing, with the tears streaming down my face (only a few of them from the throbbing pain emanating from my forehead) and the laughter, which practically debilitated me in my already weakened state and made it impossible for me to escape the germ-infested nasty college co-ed toilet. And that–the picture I imagined of myself as I might look from above, with one hand rubbing my head and the other gripping the toilet paper dispenser in a mad effort to hoist my bare ass from the toilet–somehow made me laugh even harder. People, it was a good 10 minutes before I could pull myself together enough to stumble back into my class. I am not even sure I actually peed. I was that crazy woman laughing and crying alone in a public bathroom. It was not one of my better moments, and I was terribly grateful no one else was in the room, and yet, I could hardly wait to get back to my seat so I could publish it on the internet.

Did you ever read a sign or other such lettered media and realize without a doubt that what you read isn’t actually what the sign said? I give you the following example: this morning I found myself at a stoplight behind a Keebler truck. I glanced at the pictures of giant cookies and the big tree where Ernie and the other elves conjure up yummy cookie goodness. I read the slogan in huge letters across the truck’s rear door: A Little Elfin Magic Goes a Long Way. Except I read…

…you’re there, aren’t you?

…can you see it?

…are you laughing as hard as I was?

…thats’ right: A Little Effin’ Magic Goes a Long Way.

Indeed.

Tonight’s hilarity brought to you by Will and Grace.

Karen to Jack: “Hey mister, I wore my Doc Martens down to the nubs goin’ to gay bars lookin’ for a date for you! I inhaled so much glitter my boogers look like disco balls!”

I laughed so hard I think I might have pulled something.

Meet my new favorite comic strip, “Pearls Before Swine,” specifically two of the daily strips from last week that made me laugh out loud while waiting for my take-out in a local deli and caused people to stare at me in the way one might stare at…well, a person standing alone at the deli counter laughing out loud.

Chandler to Joey (on an episode I’ve seen about a dozen times): “You have to stop the Q-tip when you feel resistance!”

That will never NOT be hilarious to me!

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident.”

“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks….

“How many is a brazillion?”

Overheard

Girl on the PA making morning announcements: “Good luck to the cross country team as they take on arch rival Reidsville High school today.”

Student in my class: “Is that really the name of the school?”

Another student in my class: “Yeah, Reidsville. Like the town?”

Student in my class: “Oh. I thought they said the name of the school was ‘Arch Rival’.”

*I’m making this a regular post. Otherwise I’ll forget about these gems, and they really need to be shared.

Spoken by Chi McBride on the Ellen Degeneres Show:

“I’m so unfamiliar with the gym I call it James.”

My sister Charity has been making me laugh at inappropriate times and at inappropriate things since she was five months old. I will never forget sitting in church on a Sunday night with her on my lap. I was 12, and drawing attention of any kind to myself was, at that time in my life, emotional suicide. But right in the middle of a very long Southern Baptist prayer, Charity started blowing raspberries at me, and then giggling at herself. I giggled back. She was encouraged, so she did it again, and this time I stifled a laugh. She continued the game, and I slowly inched my way to hysteria, the kind that only gets worse when you try to control it. I had tears streaming down my face, and I was doing that silent shaking laughter that is actually painful. All of this was encouragement to Charity, who was by now causing people to turn around and smile that “oh, isn’t she cute” smile that only babies can score for interrupting a church service. My mom was an innocent bystander, but she, too, got sucked in, and eventually the three of us–my mother and I with Charity in tow–had to get up and retreat to the empty church nursery where we sat in the middle of the floor and laughed like the insane.

This evening at dinner Charity and I had already started eating before we realized that everyone else at the table was staring at us expectantly. Perhaps they thought us barbaric. Perhaps they were waiting for us to choke or keel over from eating unblessed food. We sheepishly withdrew our forks and joined hands like everyone else at the table, and just as Big Dave began the prayer, my mother’s cell phone, which Charity had programmed on the way to dinner, began ringing loudly, proudly belting out the theme song to “Sex and the City.” I tried to control my laughter, but I was holding Charity’s hand, so I could tell she was laughing, too. I thought I was going to have to crawl under the table.

Before the evening was over, my Uncle Mike almost fell out of his chair (I swear he wasn’t drunk), and Big Dave had a gigantic marinara stain down the front of his shirt. It could have been embarrassing, but I was happy–I got to laugh with my sister.

Megan, we missed you.